Have you ever felt that the whole world is dead and you're the only survivor? I felt it just now. On my way home. Maybe it was the surroundings.

The rain had just ended and it was pretty chilly out. Maybe it was because i was carrying a 9023498kg load bag and that made me feel sad. Maybe it was because of the wind. The wet ground. The fact that the playground was empty.

I think it was because my beautiful sunshine had gone to hide herself up. Come back soon, ok? I miss you.

It felt so tranquil. So peaceful. To the extent that it was scary. I was actually afraid to take the stairs because i was afraid i would never get out of there. It just felt so, scary. Seeing that stairway leading upwards, that was familiar to me. Not hearing the boisterous shouts of the oh-my-god-i-am-damn-cool basketballers wasn't.

Even when i saw people around me, i felt like they weren't actually there. I was hoping fervently for a noisy little kid to pop out of no where so that i would be cheered up. Or a kitten (:

Do you ever feel that, the thinner you get, the fatter you feel? Cause i felt like onefatfuck just now but when i got home and looked into the mirror, i saw that all was fine. I think it's the okonomiyaki. However it's spelt.

It's basically flour and eggs. Gross, i know. Tastes good though. With the sauces and what have you.

Qixuan told me that most of the time, anorexia doesn't happen on purpose. People out there who own blogs or xangas to write about what they ate, how fat they feel and how they wish they were thinner and stuff, i don't think they really are anorexic. You think it's damn cool to be anorexic? It isn't, ok? So stop it.

Anyway, she said that it usually starts out as an innocent skipping of meals. Like, your mom didn't cook and you're lazy to eat, so you don't. Then when you skip more meals, you kind of don't like eating and stuff. I can't remember her exact words but i know there was a part about not wanting to eat and not having the appetite even when you're hungry. Wanting to vomit when you see food.

I think i'm so dead.

Do you ever feel like vomiting after eating? Not on purpose. Just, you feel disgusted by the thought of what you have just eaten and you desperately want to get it out of your system. I do.

Do you feel happy when you don't eat? I do.

Do you feel like a fatfuck when you do eat? I do.

Do you not like eating because you think it destroys your record of not eating? I do.

Do you, do you, do you? I wouldn't know.